It only gets harder the more that you know.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
when i saw grandpa lying on the bed, looking so weak and feeble, my mind was filled with thoughts of him watching tv and making jokes that only he himself laughs at. i thought of how lonely grandma would be, losing a companion for over 50 years. i could almost feel her pain and how lost she would be.
i saw dad stroking grandpa's forehead and arms. and couldnt stop the huge wave of grief from rising. liyen was absorbed in the fantasy book she was reading while we were visiting. they talked about how all she cares about are those books of hers. but i see it as her way of escaping from the reality. in school there's people teasing her about the way she looks and how she cant blend in. and now, its the pain of losing her grandfather. the one who sees her like his precious pearl though she's adopted.
dad became this softie who tear and tries to stop the tears from flowing. its like he has stepped into a different light. from a man who seems detached to a son loving his father deeply. i tried very hard to keep the thought of him dying to the very back of my head. i tried to put my attention on shopping and laughing and talking like nothing happened. but at the very end, it just creeps back into my mind again.
our relationship was never close. but his love for dad, though he is not his flesh and blood, his love for liyen though she is not aunt alice's flesh and blood and his love for me though im not dad's flesh and blood is worthy of my love for him. and its definitely worthy for a place in heaven. hopefully it is a better place where his pain subsides.
eileen
9:39 AM