It only gets harder the more that you know.
Friday, February 17, 2006
i woke up from my nap hearing dad shouting for mum, asking her to come along with him to send grandpa to the hospital. it was his birthday today. they just came home after having lunch with him. he was complaining about his chest hurting. things turned out pretty ugly the last time that happened. they're not back yet. this is worrying.
you know when things like that happen i get really fed up. its so sudden and spoils all the plans made beforehand. and then i realised it wasnt because i was hard hearted that i feel this way. its just when bad things happen i just wish life would continue the way it was going. i wish it didnt have to happen and change everything. i would hate to lose him, even though im not as close to him.
everything happening around me recently are extremely depressing. blows came after one another. harder and harder each time. the idea of retribution is crawling back into my head again. i could almost picture stuffing myself each day and transforming into a ginormous being.
lately, ive learnt to appreciate myself lesser and lesser. its like i cant love myself anymore. i feel like im living in myself, trying to pretend everything is fine when everything is not. the thought of loving seems so distant. im beginning to feel that i cant love well. love doesnt seem to stand on any ground. maybe its more like im scared of it. i dont think i will ever believe in anyone's love for me anymore.
who are those who says there is much more to life than love. i wish i could believe in that. because wha i think now, if there's no love, wha lfie is there to be?
i wanna shout "SCREW THE FUCKING WORLD" out loud, but then that would be something i would have laughed at if someone ever does it. the whole point of life is an irony. so whas the point of sorting it out.
i have no idea wha i am talking about,
eileen
5:16 AM