It only gets harder the more that you know.
Monday, April 18, 2005
i know i worry unduly. but i cant help it. cause its seriously getting to me how things can be this today and very diff tomorrow. noone can vouch for my tomorrow. its exhausting to be trying so hard. its energy depleting, it feels like the world's depleted of warmth. one day you're in, the next day you're out.
i know there're still people out there who care. but right now, they seem too far away. its like a situation you work on, to be in, all the time. its not supposed to even work like that. its supposed to be easy and all you have to do is to be yourself. then how come wha i saw are not like that? how come its not always enough to just be yourself? how come sometimes being yourself is wrong after all? if time could fast forward and i could just shrivel up and die, then maybe i would be happier. at least i die happy, at least i dont have to go through all these.
living in a masquerade situation suffocates me. who will love me once the mask's gone? then again, i might not even love myself. its getting so real im forgetting who i really am. reality pricks me cause im starting to feel shallow and superficial. then again i show how i am someone who is actually not like that. sometimes the situation just hits me too hard and i dont know how to handle it. maybe its how hard i allow it to hit me. but it still hits doesnt it? i dont want it to hit me but i allow it to hit me so hard. isnt this wha everyone is going through?
i hope one day i just gets so fucking exhausted and die. then everyone who loves me will cry at my funeral and i will be happy looking so perfect in the coffin of mine. cause its that day i will know who truly loves me. look at me. i compare myself with others even when i die. but then again, maybe i just wanna bask in the love of those who loves me. how tragical. its only when i die thats when i really know.
im sorry for all i said,
leen.
12:13 AM