im always forgetting to feel contented with wha i have. i always forget once i see someone more blessed than me. im angry with myself, cus i always forget to carry out the "right" things and i always forget i swore i wont whine and complain again.

i remembered the younger days when i get pissed with my mum for not believing that i'll not go astray. im STILL not going astray, not the typical kinda astray but i feel my morals going wiry, crumbling under peer pressure, under the realistic superficial world. and then i panicked, who can understand the fear of losing your hold and just succumbing to the evil and wrong desires?

i wonder why i get unhappier with each day i grow older. i wonder why? i used to thought i could be as happy as i want to and then i realised how difficult it was. i didnt want to show how grey my world was. i painted it colourful for all to see, but who could see the darkness behind it? and do i really want anyone to see the darkness? do i want to get those strange sympathy-filled stares? no i dont, but i hope someone would share my woes too.

now i know you dont just sink into depression when you fail your exams or your parents are divorced, you sink into depression every now and then for reasons you could not specifically pin down to. you just sink and sink and then a day soon to come you'll forget wha you are feeling depressed about and it'll just pass. i hope it'll be like that, i hope it'll be.

wanting too much for my own good,
eileen.