im a chameleon.

if you found out everything that you had believe in throughout your entire life is a bogus after all, wha would you do?

i thought i really really want to be someone cool. and i tell you its so damn frigging hard, cause everything i do i feel so conscious about it. like say, cool people dont drink water from their water bottle on the bus, oh wait, do cool people even have water bottles at all? and cool people dont usually speak in chinese, how weird is that.

if only i could be as heck as the malay girl who served me just now. she doesnt even care how people looked at her when she wore her chucks with her prom dress and i admire her for that. maybe thats the authentic coolness? and not whooaa, i cant do this cause its so uncool, whooaa i cant do that cause its so uncool then wha's the point of living at all, you're not even living for yourself, but for the damn society. maybe thats whyy malays are always so trendy. (: no racism intended.

many lead an ordinary lives and die an ordinary death but i want something different. i want to be a unique individual, not the wallpaper of the world. i want to stand out, i want to do great things. dont ask me wha great things, i dont know. i dont mean great deeds like wha mother theresa did, i know i can do nothing like that. i just want to be different. being different is difficult no doubt, people ostracise you, they see you as a outcast, they think you're weird but thats because they are living their lives the way it should be and i think life should not be live the way it is, life should not have A WAY to live with. the way is flexible, it depends on you, not the world, not the influencial factors.

but the thing is i have no shit guts to be different, cause im afraid of being a loner. and i dont know where to start, somebody enlighten me. but to enlighten me, someone has to understand wha i am talking about, to have read til here, you must be helluva psycho, or maybe you feel exactly like how i am feeling now. so much things i want to do, but i cant, or i dont know how to or where to start. that only further shows my ignorance and vulnerability. i think i know a lot, but not enough and it will never be enough.

now i could really decipher the meaning of owning a blog, damn, it feels good. ((:

i feel too much, i want too much,
tardy queen*