when you see others way ahead in the most crucial race ever, do you speed up? or do you slow down? way ahead means they are reaching the finishing line and you are still near the starting line.

i feel rotten when i am among those winning the race, its not about me and my achievements, its about me and THEIR achievements. all my life, while my mother compared me with the better ones, i compared myself with the lousy ones. then i am happy because i am not the only one near the starting line of the race. now the race's almost over and it dawn upon me, how very wrong i was.

i feel ashamed when im among my friends, for they are fast and steady, sprinting towards the finishing point with such ease it makes me want to cry, i struggled, i spat and i gave up. then i realised, how i would never lift my head up high in front of my friends ever again. i realised how giving up would show how i have capitulated even before i gave my best, how it would provide the others with me in the race the chances to spit upon me and jeer and mock at me forever. i would be a loser, one that thought she was cool and mighty because she gave up even before she reached the finishing line.

now i apprehend why the one who lost would not be the last in the race, but the one who gave up before she stepped past the finishing line. now i pray, not to get splendid results, not to hope to get into the jc i want to get into, but just to have the strength and determination to finish this race. i dont want to give up, i would rather be the last than to give up. at least, i would have the honour to lift my head up and knocked off those who thought a clonked up like me was going to give up.

i will finish the race i had been running for sixteen long years, i still have that little pride in me.